 | Biography/Personal Statement
I was born in Pequannock, N.J. and was brought up by a good family
with a hard working father and a loving mother. I have two older
brothers. Growing up, I had friends and played sports and lived a
normal life, I'm not really sure what normal means but I guess that's
what I had!
From a young age I wanted to stand out from the crowd but for the
wrong reasons. I liked to fight and was often in the middle of
things...usually bad things. I wasn't brought up that way but seemed
to enjoy the rush of being involved in the bad things. When I entered
High School I was already partying and my lifestyle habits escalated
and never improved, they always got worse. I was arrested, I got into
fights, I became obsessed with the bad side of life and began to lie
and cheat my way through everything. Inside, I knew I knew it was
wrong and there were people around who saw the goodness in me but that
goodness was constantly overwhelmed with the need for more. More
drugs, more alcohol! This is what I used to mark my pain. Feelings of
low self-esteem, being uncomfortable, confusion, disease were some of
the reasons I used the way I did, I buried these feelings with
chemical substances.
I got into heroin after High School and it soon pulled me into a
living hell. It put me in dangerous situations to the point where I
put my life on the line everyday. I've been through rehabs, detox,
county jails, everything under the sun but I still couldn't stop. I
drug my family down with me, causing my mother and father to suffer
mentally and emotionally, I hurt my brothers too and pulled one of
them down into addiction with me. I also hurt other family and
friends, one special friend, a beautiful person who did nothing but
love me, I was too blind to know what I had in front of me and
continued to feed my addiction consequently ruining what should have
been a great relationship. I ruined all my relationships with other
friends and began to feel so bad, my heart and my spirit were breaking
and I wanted to die.
The last run I had using drugs was in Patterson, N.J., a place I
had begun to frequent for the sole purpose of getting high, I was jumped, hit
with bricks, burned with lit cigars, shot at twice and had gotten into
multiple fights. I wanted to run myself into the ground, I was all
alone and getting closer to the end everyday. I tried to as many drugs
as possible and hoping more and more that one day I just wouldn't wake
up until in June of 2004, I couldn't move my left arm and struggling
to breath, I was later told I had suffered a minor stroke and had come
close to death. Once I had recovered from that the insanity of
addiction gripped me and all I could think about was getting high all
over again, which I subsequently did.
Prior to this last run I had already lived in a halfway house and
heard about A. A. and though I had not been convinced of my plight
beforehand, the results of this last run went some ways to a new
beginning. I moved down to Trenton and into a
Halfway House, after an initial struggle, I found a sponsor and got
involved in A. A., (a sponsor is someone who helps you to get sober,
and guides you through the steps of the program). This time I believe
I cam to the realization that I need to learn a new way of life, I
have a desire to live clean and sober today and not to die drunk or
high.. I began to get involved in the fellowship A. A., I began to ask
questions, and talked with people who had clean and sober time in the
program. I began to learn how to live life on life's terms without
hiding behind the masks of yesterday.
Since coming to Tabor House, I've begun to have a spiritual
awakening, it has been slow and gradual but it is happening for me. I've
begun to work those steps I mentioned earlier and the program has
begun to work for me. My life has already changed so much that the
person I am today is the person I want to be and believe I am created
to be. If I continue to do what I am supposed to do I can only grow
more and learn more about myself, I have to remain plugged into A. A.
I need to go to meetings, to take commitments, to share the message
with other alcoholics and addicts. I can do this in many ways, there
are opportunities to speak in prisons, psyche wards, hospitals and
treatment centers, such opportunities might help another person get
clean and sober it will definitely help me. I must keep a conscious
contact with God, as I understand Him, and place my trust in Him
through this program, this way I believe I can do anything I put my
mind to.
I do this today for my family and for the people I truly love in my
heart, (they know who they are), but most of all for myself, the one
person I could/would not do anything for in the past. It's time to
become a man and live my life. Thanks to all of you who have helped me
through your love and support those both in and out of A. A., and
thanks especially to my family, I plan to put my trust in God and keep
on the path of sobriety.
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