I was raised in a middle class family by an alcoholic father and a sober mother, in a rather wealthy town in North Jersey. Although most, if not all, of my material needs were taken care of, I always felt as if it was never enough in comparison to what my friends and classmates had. Positive emotional support of any kind was nearly nonexistent. To the contrary, my two siblings and I were often subjected to emotional and physical abuse by my father who seemingly knew no other way of discipline.

Eventually, I discovered drugs and alcohol, which seemed to fill the void inside of me that compelled me to act out in a variety of different ways throughout my life. Through using as well as selling drugs, I felt I had found the means I needed to control and manipulate the people around me and feel good about myself. As the years went by, my life became centered on drugs and alcohol. Rare indeed was a day I would go without one or the other. What started out as supposed "recreational use" had quickly become a necessity as I moved on to harder drugs, and I found myself doing all the things I had sworn I would never do. No matter how hard I tried, I could not bring back the feelings of well being I had experienced when I first started using.

Any attempts to identify with and relate to people at this point left me feeling more distant from them than ever. I found myself hanging out with people I did not care for, simply because they were the only ones who tolerated my using. Most times I would even avoid these people unless they were the ones who provided me with the means I needed to get high. I played the part that was required of me, fed them whatever lines they wanted to hear, and sat stewing in resentment until we went our separate ways and was able to get high alone.

With each passing day it was becoming more and more evident to me that my life had become unmanageable. Active addiction had slowly but surely deprived me of everything I had possessed and had hoped for: jobs, education, family, friends, and replaced it with loneliness and despair. I awoke each morning or, more often, each afternoon to find that the only thing I could manage to do was get high. In fact, I would seldom get myself out of bed via my own willpower without first taking a drug. I was physically and mentally unable to do it otherwise.

Although I had every reason in the world to stop this self-destructive behavior, I found, left to my own devices, I could not. I was constantly surrounded by people either offering me drugs, or wanting me to get them drugs. It simply became easier to comply with their demands than to attempt resistance. Outwardly, I began to blame everything and everyone for my problems, but, deep down I knew I had only myself to blame for the misery I had endured.

After an excruciatingly painful break-up with my girlfriend of nearly three years, I finally came to accept that I could not handle this problem on my own. I sought help through AA and NA, and managed to stay clean for about two weeks. I was surely able to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to a state of normal living, but was not entirely ready to surrender my will and my life to the care of God. I, therefore, had great difficulty staying away from the people places and things I knew to avoid, and eventually broke down and started the vicious cycle all over again.

My last run lasted another few months, and, two arrests later, I was once again able to recognize my powerlessness over drugs and my inability to manage my own life. After undergoing a substance abuse evaluation, I was admitted to detox and inpatient rehab at Sunrise House in Lafayette, NJ. I entered the program this time with a sincere desire to change the seemingly hopeless person I had become. Feeling I was ready to accept God into my life, I prayed, for the first time, not for death, but instead for His help and guidance.

Medical insurance would only pay for a period of two weeks, so it was suggested that I relocate to a halfway house in Trenton, NJ. This, I felt, would certainly enable me to avoid the people, places, and things I had so readily allowed to control me. I was, however, fearful that the urban environment I was about to enter would not be very conducive to recovery.

The fear that met my arrival in Trenton was soon put to ease when I discovered that an AA/NA friend of mine from my home county of Sussex was living in the same house I was put into. It was evident to me that this was more than just coincidence, rather, an act of God. He proceeded to guide me through the early stages of my recovery, introducing me to many of his friends in the program, including those at Tabor House.

Upon stepping foot into Tabor House for the first time, I immediately felt something different about the atmosphere or energy about the place that was not present in any of my previous residences. After talking briefly with some of the residents of the house including the house manager, Gez, it became clear that there was, without a doubt, something else going on here that I wanted to be a part of.

Since moving to Trenton and, later, into Tabor House, I have begun to feel more at home than I previously thought possible. I witness genuine care, concern, and happiness throughout each day which fuels the new-found faith present inside me. Today, I can think of no better place to repair and reshape my life before once again entering the 'real' world.